Will you be my "friend"?

I can't believe how angry I am. So damn angry that I sometimes yell and loose control with my friends and family. So DAMN angry that I don't feel like I can stop yelling! Don't be afraid of ME, be afraid for me. Only God can judge you! Only God can judge me. I KNOW THAT AND I BELIEVE THAT! So why am I hiding from what I know and believe? Why do I have to hide my religious beliefs from my FRIENDS? Phil and JD and Megan and Mike and Julie and Will and Walt and Grandmooo, you were all right. If I'm talking to you and start to yell and let the anger come out in a way that makes you uncomfortable, call me to the carpet. Say Brett slow down, calm down, take a deep breath. But listen to the yelling as if it was spoken. I say I'm not a preacher. I say that I'm a sinner, but why do I have to have the MASK of ONE OR THE OTHER. Right now I am a newly, captured wild animal. I am the caged bird AND I KNOW WHY IT SINGS. I AM NOT JUST ANGRY with the world, I'm angry at myself. But only GOD can judge ME! So how can I stand here before you, laid naked before you and judge you. I CAN'T. IF I EVEN TRY, that makes me the biggest hypocrite of all, doesn't it? I am not angry AT YOU for never telling you I was a Jehovah's Witness. I am angry AT ME for not telling YOU I was a Jehovah's Witness. I was not mature enough to handle saying I DON'T CELEBRATE Christmas. I was too worried about how you would look at me, how you might look at me differently, I was worried that YOU WOULD JUDGE ME. But you didn't. I was too concerned with what might happen and after meeting you guys in Dec. '94, I wanted to do everything in my power to keep those friends (those very dear friends that I have today). I KNEW in my heart that I would like to stay in contact with maybe a handful of people from HS and that hasn't happened. The real reason I decided to go back to school after dropping out in '95/'96 was at my 10 year high school reunion, I DECIDED I was behind the 8-ball as far as where I wanted to be in life. So I SET a GOAL, but did I tell you my friends and family? Maybe. Did I tell you that I had to declare academic bankruptcy when I went back after all those years? Did I tell you I ended up graduating with a 3.8... GPA/Magna Cum Laude? Did I tell you that that was my goal and I had given up on it until a councelor at UK had the nerve to say, YOU PROBABLY CAN'T get it now anyway. Don't say something to me, don't challenge my ideas, and don't propose/assume to tell me you KNOW ME if you haven't tried to get to know me AND/OR I haven't given you the opportunity to get to know me. Don't come at me with YOUR OPINION as if it was fact and then attack me if I disagree with you. AND THE SAME GOES FOR ME! Don't let me yell and make you uncomfortable. Don't let me get so worked up that I lose control and attack you. I AM NOT MAD AT YOU! I AM MAD AT ME! I may be angry right now at something you have done or are doing, but it is still not you that I am mad at, its the hypocrisy of you yelling at somebody else for doing the same thing you are or were just previously doing. I HATE THAT. HYPOCRISY has made me so angry that I can't see straight. And I'm angry 1st and foremost, because I AM A HYPOCRITE! KNOWING AND DOING IS TWO DIFFERENT THINGS! I know that and I believe that. So why am I trying to tell myself to STILL after moving thousands of miles away to get away from the hypocrisy of my family (FL to KY, in 1993), have the courage of conviction to do the things in the Bible even if you don't go to church and turn around and get sucked into the same bullshit that I wanted to get away from in the 1st place! My family is all about hiding behind some veil(s) of lies. My family is proud of me that I graduated college, but they feel they can bait&switch me or flat out LIE to MY FACE and justify it, because of one lousy excuse or another. Because I AM THE BABY! I am a 30 year old, Grown-ass MAN and my Mother still calls me her baby - in front of anyone SHE wants to even when I've asked her and BEGGED HER to stop and I see it now that she is using it to control me. Instead of saying, I love you and I'm proud of you and I am pleased with YOU, my MOTHER keeps the reins on me by making me beg for money WE BOTH KNOW SHE HAS. She will LIE to my FACE about the money and then turn around and write me a check. It would be one thing, if she did it once or twice or even occassionally. But everytime, I swallow my pride and tell her I was stupid and need a SHORT TERM loan to the tune of $200 for two weeks. She makes me jump through the SAME DAMN HOOP EVERY TIME!!!! Why? To teach me a lesson. Okay. I understand and if I don't pay the money back and on time there will be a penalty. BUT DON'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WORSE PIECE of SHITE than I already do EVERY FN TIME! I've begged her not to lie to me about her having money. I help her with her bank account. She is ANAL about balancing her CHECKBOOK (2 or 3 times a week), even though she KNOWS BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that she has $3,500 or more in her checking account. ONE PROBLEM is that my DAD and MOM have SEPERATE Joint Checking accounts, so my DAD will "DIP" into her money WITHOUT TELLING HER and she will not be able to balance her checkbook and that freaks her out. I KNOW THIS! They have been together for almost 40 years and at one point they fought so much that I couldn't stand it. I didn't understand that couples fight and married couples really fight, but I learned that fighting over money is a waste of time and energy (just like the MBA program is now teaching me). I learned that I would like to be in a situation financially that would allow my loving wife and I OPTIONS. IF SHE WANTS TO WORK, she should work. IF SHE DOESN'T she shouldn't have to. THAT'S MY OPINION! THAT'S MY GOAL. Not because I look down on two income families (I think its great to pool your resources talent and love - even though you have to realize both parties are going to do stupid things and make mistakes). But if you TRULY LOVE your SPOUSE, whom you PROMISED to love, honor and obey for the rest of your natural lives before these friends and God Jehovah above, how can you STOP doing that? How can you live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and eat off each others plates, but not say more than a FEW WORDS to each other Every Day?!? That doesn't happen overnight. That just doesn't happen in a year. It's a LONG TERM Pattern that has been in place and I have not been able to see, but I see it now. I DON'T READ the Bible because of my family, I stopped going to church because of my family, I stopped PRAYING TO GOD because of the hypocrisy and the false front of my very family. Have those lessons made me the BEAST that I know I am today? Yes. Do I still love me family? Yes. Did they "F" up my mind, body and soul? Yes and No. I realized yesterday that I am angry at myself, but I am not just angry. I am jealous of my Brother Robin and how my parents treat him with kid gloves. He shites all over them, TIME and TIME and TIME again, but they treat him like the RockStar until they got to their breaking point. They have given up and basically cut off communications with his wife (the blame game is going on - don't really try to find out but assume you know and then blame each other if the ASS out of U and ME occurs). Don't come to me DAY after DAY after DAY and complain about the same thing to me, if you're not going to at least be willing to listen to to my experience and advice. If you have a problem come to me and I will listen. Come to me again and I will listen again, but come to me the 3rd time and I will tell you what I think of the problem and possible offer up a solution or TWO. Its my opinion. You don't have to follow it, but if you've already "GIVEN UP" when I tell you a possible solution, then you have two choices. Truly in your heart, give up and accept the situation as it is or just keep trying until you get the change you want. If you try 1 time, if you try 2 times, if you try 3 times then maybe it will be the 4th or the 44th time that you get it right, but you can't say I can't, you CAN'T GIVE UP and still feel the need to dump on someone with that burden. Don't dismiss me as if I am a child for anything I have to say. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But don't try and tell me that YOU CAN'T! Don't tell me to take that burden if you're really not ready for me to help you with it. Don't do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I ASK you not to do (whether it is call me by my middle name - LAMAR or call me Captain, my Captain! or tell me Whatever.). I am a sensitive person. I have so much baggage right now, because I've always lived behind a wall. The wall had a brick missing and for some reason I could see clearly into the open space on the other side, but I was able to shield most of myself from your prying eyes. Not because you didn't want to know me, but BECAUSE I DIDN't think you would like what you would see. Appearance is everything. Outward appearance is the only thing that matters! That's bullshite! If I act like a different person than I really am to make you feel better and I act like another person to make your friend feel better, where does it end. That is what I meant by YOU THINK you know me, I may have been yelling because I was upset, but not at you - at myself. And that hurts me that you were hurt, because I feel your pain too. I feel pain in my heart, in my families' hearts and in my friends' hearts. I share that pain, because the Bible told me so. It says help your fellow man, help those that you love by showing them love. Help and Love - that's pretty much all it comes down to. That's the whole thing. My entire family is nothing more than a bunch of people pleasers. They fall all over themselves to pay the bill at a restaurant AS LONG AS they don't have to be the one to choose the restaurant in the 1st place. HOW stupid is that? My parents generation has a way of doing things and CONTROLLING through the use of money (whether they feel they must GIVE or WITHHOLD). I am jealous of my BROTHER. I can admit that, I have to admit that, because it is TRUE. I am telling you the TRUTH right now. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS of My Brother! Okay no more shouting, I promise. The point is, I feel that he has been handed everything on a silver platter, while I've worked twice as hard to do twice as much - but I get beat over the head when I don't meet or exceed my parents expectations. But Will explained to me that life isn't fair and as soon as I feel that I am being wronged because it isn't fair, I am not addressing the issue(s). Speaking of William Andrew Slaton Junior (or Junior as I like to call him or Smoochy Pants as some chick calls him), I have always looked up to you and admired you and envied you. The relationship you have with your parents, being at home right now - but not for much longer, in a time when you could save money and it mean $$ for Africa or Hawaii. You still say 'Yes Maam. Yes, Sir.' (I don't know whether to laugh or cry when it happens, but right now I'm crying a little because I realize that I used to do that when I was younger. It got to a point that I stopped. I stopped telling my parents I love you. Both of those things happened because deep down in dark places I never want to see again, I lost respect for them for being hypocrites and I was intentionally trying to withhold love). And just your overall nature of being so soft-spoken, like everyday. And I can't see you 24/7 and I can't see into your deepest darkest secret(s), but the fact of the matter is - you can't see mine either. Why feel the need to hide from the people you love the little things that upset you, but they don't care about or judge you for?

I am so SICK and TIRED (and tired always follows sick) of being dumped on by them (my family), unloaded on by them, made to feel guilty BY THEM, when they can live in hypocrisy the way they do. I don't mean to be a Bible-thumper or religious freak or anything else. And if that is what you feel that I am doing right now, then say so. State your opinion, but realize that it is your perspective, your views, your totality of existance that clouds those opinions - so DON'T TRY to come to me as a FRIEND and look into my eyes and TELL ME a grown man the YOU KNOW what another person is thinking. And especially don't try to speak for a group of people without having talked to them first. Don't pass your OPINION off as fact. Period. No matter how strongly you feel about an issue, no matter how much you think YOU KNOW what the person next to you is thinking, YOU DON't actually know unless you're willing to ask. If you're not willing to present your ideas, opinions and factual evidence to back them up, then don't try to pass them off to me as credible information. Phil, I wasn't trying to attack you, but my point is that I am so angry that I am boiling with rage when I see the hypocrisy. When you say it would be nice to have someone get your back, that's true. You shouldn't have to drum up support for your friends to stand up for you, but you know as well as I do that no one wants to truly confront AS. You don't, I don't - no one does because we're worried she will overreact and not think about what she's going to say before she says it. There are people like that in this world. You have to learn to deal with it. Your coping mechanism and its true of others as well is just to agree with her to her face and talk behind her back. That's not being a friend. Or you're upset by something she says or does so you get angry, but can't show it yourself. You drum up support Braveheart style and then get someone else to do your dirty work. That's doubly not being a friend. I'm sorry, I think the world of you Phil, but the truth - the REAL TRUTH is you are senstive. You have this mask that you're the happy go lucky guy, but things - words and actions - hurt you as much as the next guy. So don't get mad and then scheme to get one of your friends to stand in front of what you know will be a moving train. That's not being a friend. And I don't hate you for doing it, but don't keep on doing it in front of me, now that I've had the BIG BLUE ONEs to call you out and to admit that I have and still will do it to! It takes a village to raise a child. I don't have to quote the Bible. I can quote song verses, movie lines, WWE tag lines or whatever. The point is those things stick to me because they resonate with me from what I learned in church as a child. I still remember, I still believe, but I CAN'T add everyone else's negativity to my cup right now. My cup runneth over, but unfortunately I put it under the wrong spout and filled it up with Anger and Hate.

I'm sorry for tricking you into marrying me while I was carrying another man's baby and then having yet another man's baby and leaving you while you were in the hospital. And other stuff.
Joy from My Name is Earl

Amber Scott, I am sorry if you thought I was attacking you or picking on you or still picking on you. I am so sorry. I love you and think the world of you, but until now was afraid to show it. Let me tell you a story, I remember ONE NIGHT probably 10 years ago when I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED a lift, a pick me up, a little something something to help YOU out. I PROJECTED my thoughts, instead of ASKING a few questions on how you were feeling. I WAS NOT mature enough to handle the situation properly. As was the case at many TRU party, I was trying to help myself to some drunken entertainment via getting girls drunk off the strongest fruity flavored drinks I could come up with on that night. I then manuevered without asking first to give you a massage. I used to could (and hopefully could again given enough time and practice ladies) give a mind blowing massage (I have references if you're interested). I used that on the ladies to relax them, but because I THOUGHT I KNEW what AS wanted that moment. I also talked a little game and told her I thought she was very pretty and smart. Just being honest. She took it the wrong way and jumped up and yelled "I'm not going to sleep with you." Did you project onto me? Maybe. Were you being a racist? Probably not. Were you upset with me for something else that had nothing to do with tonight? Maybe. Were you upset with someone else for having played the "same game" on you that you thought I was getting ready to play on you that night? I don't know. Were you just in a bad place and angry as I am now and needed to lash out at the 1st available target? I don't know. The TRUTH is I don't know answers to any of the above questions I put to you and her friends, but I do know that if I was TRULY her FRIEND that night I would have at least tried to find out why she was ANGRY with me. But I back off like a coward. I am sorry I was not a better friend to you AS. And if you'll let me, I'll be as good a friend to you as I can be. That is a 100% guaranteed promise from my very small heart to your lovely heart and so much more.

It is a beautiful day and my mind is a bit better, my hearts still breaks at what I had to do Sunday and at the response I got. Hopefully, I will be able to take the 4 or 5 hours sleep I got last night to a whole new level on this glorious day. I'll be in touch and call around as soon as I have my phone or get a new number.

I've really been at this for a while. So I'm going to shower and get some things done. I'll tell you that this giant, girlie, emotional, super-computer known as Dr. Phil or now BigDaddy, the Dr. of Love is signing off only for a short time. I will be back with more truth, justice and the American way. I hope to see you here soon, so you can find out more about me!

As far as the comment about Jana and why was no body else posting comments (except LKS), it is just one of the many things I hate about myself and the WORLD. I specifically told you I lost my phone and you would not be able to call me. I said it multiple times. Of course, you may have thought I was joking to cover for the fact that I had turned it off or just didn't want to answer. But I said it, so believe it. I asked you to post a comment, to ask how I'm doing from a far, so that I can formulate a calm response. If I had my way, I would be on a tropical island writing a novel about pain and suffering and loss and life, unable to get cell service, but somehow having the 'net. Oh and some female companionship and some bourbon would rock out! So if you can't get me by phone, EMAIL ME, leave a comment or come find me! It's that simple. I'm sorry, but we put our own spin on everything. I am a technophile, so I don't like to call people on their home phones (where there is a bunch of people that could answer and/or they just might not be home at that moment), but if I call your cell phone and you are sitting next a landline, I suggest you ask me to call you back on the landline (especially right now). I am raw emotion and I feel better, but I know I have to be careful in order not to breakdown at any moment. Honestly, before Blue Moon opens I will probably check on the price of a prepaid phone for a month - just to help create some space.