Signing Off

I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at my family for putting me through this and making me feel this anger. I am angry at not having admitted to myself that this was simmering. I am so angry that I can't have a conversation with Phil without attacking him, because he won't answer in the exact way that I think he should. I am so angry that people are worried about me and I seem to be pushing them away, because my anger is overwhelming me. I am angry that I try to finally open myself up (remember I'm new to this) and I'm mixing the message with the signal and the channel and the receiver. I'm angry because I let jealosy cloud my vision without truly being able to see the big picture. I'm angry, because of the mental fucking my parents are giving me. I'm angry that I can't express myself without yelling. I'm angry, because I'm scaring you. I'm angry because Will stepped in over a year ago to help me (after I intentional said nasty things to Kristin) and that should have been the end of it. I'm angry because I've had this anger, growing and festering for decades only to explode all over everyone. I'm angry because being a minority in the minority is not as much fun as you think. I'm angry, because there is just overwhelming hate for myself and regret for things that I can not change. I am angry at the World, even though the World has done nothing. I am angry because I thought these blog entries would make me feel better, but they haven't. I am angry that I can't seem to even let this thing go for more than a few minutes. I'm angry because I'm so confrontational one minute and sexually harrassing the next. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry and I don't know why. I'm angry that after specifically calling everyone watching this anger explode to comment or ask how I am and LKS and Jana have been the only ones. JC said my mailbox is full and I guess I can try to find a way to retrieve messages later. Sorry if anyone in particular feels attacked. I'm angry about the bullshit and backstabbing and not having the courage of my convictions and intentionally setting up my house to keep my Mom from coming in here for any length of time. I'm just so freaking angry and I want to let it go, but there are so many reason(s) that I can think of right now. But this isn't really helping, so I will not be posting for a while. I got your emails JC & Walt and I really appreciate talking to you Megan, JD and Phil. I know you think I'm angry and lashing out and I am. But is that wrong, because its me or because it true. I'm angry at shades of grey. If you're going to take the time to talk to me just tell me the TRUTH and then LISTEN to what I'm actually saying. DON'T let the CAPSLOCK fool you or foul you up. I'm angry because I YELLED at my PARENTS this morning and made my Mother cry, but instead of addressing the fact that she dismisses my opinion/help (unless its exactly what she thinks). I'm ANGRY, because I know I'm about to crash and crash hard. I'm angry, because the veil of deceit is being pulled back from my eyes and I don't like what I see in myself and others. I'm mad that years of practical experience and this program have been thrown out the window over the anger. I'm angry that I explained/YELLED repeatedly that in my opinion they (all 5) are KILLING ME and they still packed up and went to the Kindom Hall and my Dad drove himself. I'm angry, because they shake their heads like they agree, but they just want to be defensive and/or provide lip service by doing the thing(s) they just ageed not to. I'm angry, because only a handful of people took the time to post comments because they're not fluffy. I'm angry that I didn't think it through to check my voicemails. Sorry about all this, but maybe I'll be better soon, 'cause I don't think I could make it to ATLANTA right now. If I can still make it see you LKS (and Crew) and I'll find a way to get everyone information. I'm angry because now that I really have something to say, it looks like blogging was never for me!