My Mind Plays Tricks on ME!

My family,

I know you say you feel my pain and understand, but I just ranted and raved for 4 hours and 4 out of 5 people in that house ran off to the Kingdom Hall. Why is that? You heard me, but you did not listen. I just said you are being a hypocrite for running off to that place when you could use that time and energy to heal your family. WHY IS THAT???? Explain to me why I yelled for 4 hours and no one listened. I didn't yell because I wanted to make me cry or make anyone else cry - especially my Mother who works so hard day in and day out in order to make sure that house is clean and there are financial cushions not only for her immediate family, but also her extended family and their extended family. Don't think I don't know you mother. Don't think I don't love you. Don't think I don't feel your pain. Please don't call me Baby! I am a man and I don't feel you treat me like a man. I feel like I have to be THE MAN of the ENTIRE FAMILY RIGHT NOW! I feel like I have to be ready to knock down doors and prepare even now for when you and Dad are both retired. Who else is there to do it? My Brother, My Sister-in-Law, My Nephew. I'm sorry, but in my heart I can't trust anybody to be there for this family. To step up and say, I'll be the one to lend Richard a hand. I'll stop by and help Barbara with the gardening. I resent everything in that house. I resent having to go to that house. Don't tell me you have no money when you drive a brand new car and don't even know the interest rate (I know the rates on all my debt). Don't complain to me that the phone bill went up a lousy $2 for ONE month when I've helped you CUT the bill $50 a month EVERY MONTH. You want to know where every penny goes, but I HAVE TO KNOW where every penny goes. $100 means nothing to you, in my opinion. Not because you have lost perspective on the value of a dollar, I know you still have that. In my opinion, $100 means nothing to you because looking at your account that $100 is a very small percentage of your free cash (even though you may not feel it is free cash). That same $100 to me could be 50%, 100% or more of my current balance. Don't tell me its the same. Please don't complain about money to me when you know I HAVE NO MONEY!!! Don't say whatever to me! Your son that loves you, that gets up early the day after getting home at 4am. Don't dismiss me like I'm a child. Truth be told I HAVE TO BE THE MAN OF TWO HOUSEHOLDS! Don't belittle me and disrespect me. I understand that I am your son. I hurts me that I don't feel respect for you because you have given up, because nobody wants to put forth the effort in that house, but you somehow have the right to complain to me. NOT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Not anymore. Do you understand how bad it is? Do you really think you understand? I am not a preacher, so lets look at the hip-hop world.

My Mind's Playing Tricks on Me
by Ghetto Boys

(I am not looking these lyrics up, so they may not be word for word)

[Spoken Intro] I sit ALONE in MY four cornered room staring at candles. Yo that SPIT is on.

At night I can't sleep, I toss and turn
Candlesticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned
Four walls, just staring at a NWORD.
I'm PARANOID sleeping with my finger on the trigger [no I do not own a gun].

(Did you read those words? Do you understand how bad it is when that song resonates with your life? Now where were we?)

MY MOTHER'S ALWAYS STRESSING I AIN'T LIVING RIGHT!
But I ain't going out without a fight!
See everytime my eyes close,
I start sweating and blood starts coming out my nose.
There's somebody watching my house,
but I don't know who it is so I'm watching my back.
I can see him when I peep through the covers,
when I awake I don't see the Mother F'er.
He owns a Black HAT like I own,
a Black suit and a cane like my own.
SOME MIGHT SAY, "Take a chill B($)"
But FBomb that, there's an NWORD out to kill me.

(Did you understand that? Did you recognize that the paranoia will eventually get me, get in my head so that I think my own shadow is trying to kill me? That my mother adding stress to my life is not helping me, but making things worse because I know she doesn't have to. I know you have money. Be proud of it. If you don't have as much as you want say it. Say it to your husband, say it to your eldest son, say it to your daughter-in-law and say it to your grandson. Tell me you don't have all that you want and I will be fine with that. But look me in the eyes or over the phone and resonate in my ear the very problem I ACTUALLY HAVE! I can't have you do that. I love you mother, but it can't continue. Don't think I don't pick up on every little thing. Don't think I didn't see the move toward getting the house clean, don't think I didn't appreciate you taking off work on Mon. night after working your FT job. I know you work hard beyond a shadow of a doubt and you need help. I love and respect you for asking me for help even if it is something you could do yourself, like work your phone. If you ask me for help because you truly need it, I try my best to be there for you, but if I think you're being stubborn and petty and not living up to your potential as a college-educated, strong, black woman - I have to be able to call you out. I am a man. I have to be able to stand on my own and not use you as that safety net. So it stops now. If I need money, I'll get the money, but it won't be from you or DAD. Not because I don't want anything from you, but because I can't right now. You have too many financial leeches on you. I am not adding to your burden (even if its in your mind) and I can't do it anymore.)

My side hurts, so later.